Taken from ‘Bungklang Bungkling’, ‘Ganyang Malaysia’, a column by I Wayan Juniartha, published in Bali Post, Sunday 12th September 2010. Translated by Putu Semiada.
Ganyang Malaysia (Attack Malaysia!)
The discussion at the palm toddy warung is full of sharp opinions.
“Our president is too weak. If I were the president, I would ask my military forces to attack Malaysia (Ganyang Malaysia),” says I Made Patriot Kreyat Kreyot (I Made Pretending to be Heroic).
Everyone laughs. They know that I Madé is a bad temper person and has hypertension. He always argue. “No matter if our side is wrong, the important thing is that we don’t lose,” continues I Madé, telling about his motto. That’s probably why he is never elected head of palm toddy association, let alone higher position.
“Easy for you to talk. All you think is just to attack them. It’s okay if we win. What if we lose? What should we do?” comments I Ketut Demokrat Makarat (I Ketut Fanatic Member of Democrat Party).
In addition, even though the President’s son I Bas-Bas (The Silly Man) doesn’t seem to know anything about military strategy, but still he gives his comments that Indonesia has no money to buy sophisticated military equipments for war against Malaysia and nor the army forces are ready either.
“You are such a silly man. Don’t you know that kind of mentality makes our country underestimated by other countries? Look at what our people did in the past, with no enough financial, nor military knowledge, they fought till the death.”
“I’m really sure that we will win. I also have some ideas on how to overcome Malaysia.”
Strategy 1: Mobilize attacks via air strikes (parachutes). We can not mobilize them through land as we’ve got traffic jams everywhere, nor via sea as many of our ships sink. So attacking must be via air.
We can send them rabies-infected Balinese dogs. We Balinese ourselves can not cope with this disease, let alone our neighbouring country Malaysia. They are not used to seeing puppies. I’m sure they will be infected.
Strategy 2: Divide and Conquer. Send Manohara back to Malaysia. Her main job is to seduce all princes from different states. If they all have similar taste as the Kelantan prince (Manohara’s ex husband), I’m sure they will fight one another. We can even send Ariel, just in case, there are gays among them.
“Well, don’t you ever underestimate my ‘strategies’! Don’t you know, countless wars have been caused by women; from Troya war to Rama against Rahwana in the Ramayana story.”
Strategy 3. Terror with bomb. We can send our mass organizations, such as FPI who are used to do violence against their own people, to Malaysia. They can go there undercover as pendet dancers. Each of them can bring a 3kg gas tube. When they arrive there they can throw the gas tube to the houses there.
“Don’t bother to make bombs. The gas tubes can explode easily and they are inexpensive too. And we have more than enough stock available at Pertamina warehouse.”
Strategy 4. Burn the forest (Alas kobar). Burn all the forest in Sumatra and Kalimantan. I am sure the Malaysians will get cough because of the smoke from the forest fire, economy will be in chaos as no flights available, no boat or car work.
Strategy 5. Finish up (Aud kelor). Move our capital Jakarta to Kuala Lumpur. Send all of our high ranking officials there. Less than three months the Malaysians will be frustrated because of the following situation: a weak president, ministers with no commitment to work hard, corrupt legislative members, and high ranking officials whose hobby is playing golf and tend to corrupt.
I’m sure if these five strategies are implemented properly, Malaysia will become a chaos country, their people will fight among them, bombs explode everywhere. The country will be dark with no light, go bankrupt and be frustrated.
“And they will surrender, ask us for forgiveness and incline to negotiate with Indonesia. And we just need to send one representative to the conference, Mr. Ruhut Sitompul. He will make Malaysian delegation be speechless. At the end, we will win.”